Ugh.  I sincerely hate my life sometimes.

I especially hate Mondays, as they are always a clusterfuck of insanity at work.

I went in early for a staff meeting, got the McGurgles, felt a little anxiety-y, popped a vitamin X.  20 minutes later, I'm shitting my brains out.  Which sometimes happens with the anxiety.  I feel the xanax start to kick in (my legs feel like they're 100 pounds each, I get sleepy and a little groggy), but the nausea and gas and diarrhea continue.  I mentioned once that it's my worst fear to be stuck at work with nausea/diarrhea.  When I realized I was still symptomatic, that it wasn't just anxiety, that made me feel about 10 times worse.  More nauseous, dizzy, sweaty.

I took report on my patients and couldn't set foot in their rooms.  There was an emergency down the hall and I couldn't even help.  Every step I took made me want to vomit and/or pass out.  After the shitstorm of the emergency cleared, I told my charge nurse and she sent me home.  So here I am.  Feeling almost entirely better.

Don't get me wrong, I felt like complete shit while I was at work (thought it might be food poisoning), but in the back of my head, I knew if I could get out, I'd feel fine.  I tried to talk myself through it, tell myself I could get past it, just get to work and that'll distract me from the anxiety, but it didn't work.  So I fucked another coworker by making her stay while I got to come home and sit in bed and relax.

I hate my life.  More specifically, I hate my anxiety and what it does to me.  Always in the middle of these attacks I think, "I can't do this anymore.  I can't deal with this much stress.  I need a less stressful job, I can't handle this."  Because I start thinking of all the things that could go wrong.  My patient could fall, they could be hypoglycemic, they could code.... all sorts of shit, and that makes me panic more.  Now, I've been in ALL of those situations before and handled them all just fine.  You do what you have to do.  But sometimes, man, I just cannot handle even the THOUGHT of something going wrong.

I don't know how to explain it.  The anxiety just grips me and even though I tried to talk myself out of it (I had a really nice, easy group!), nothing worked.  And I drive home and get changed and now I'm sitting in bed feeling ok.  I feel like such a douchebag.  If I'd waited a little longer, maybe the anxiety would've passed and I could've stayed and done my job like a normal person.

What the hell am I gonna do?  I had three days off, theoretically I should be well rested and prepared to take on the disaster that is Monday.  God I hate myself.  Why can't I just be fucking normal.