First entry of the new year.... a few days later than I anticipated haha.  Craig and I rang in the new year very quietly, hardly noticably.  I went out for coffee with Charleen that afternoon, then hung out with Craig since he got out of work early for the holiday.  We messed around a little bit, ate dinner, then he crashed and I was watching tv/reading on my new Kindle Fire.  I picked up my phone to check facebook before I went to sleep and noticed it was 11:58!  Christ, I almost missed the ball drop haha.  But I saw it, gave Craig a little kiss (didn't even wake him), and then went to sleep haha.

I don't think I even knew anyone having a party this year.  I wouldn't have gone anyway.  I'm a hermit.

One of my coworkers got engaged on New Year's Eve, which is just adorable.  She wasn't expecting it for another year or so, but they've been dating for almost 10 years lol it's time.

Here's my thing.... It seems like some people have all the luck.  Jen got her dream job in Mother/Baby and then got engaged like a day later.  Kristen (the one who got engaged New Year's Eve) got her dream job in ICU step down and got engaged 2 weeks later.  I have no dream job, but at least I'm engaged.  I'm just frustrated because it seems like everyone else knows what they want and they GET it.... But I'm just kind of like floating along, hoping for an easy break, not sure what to do at all.

I'm not really into nursing anymore, to be honest.  I'm tired of wiping ass and cleaning wounds and fighting people to take their medications.  I'm over it.  That said, I don't know what kind of career change I'd make.  I don't know what would make me happy.

One of the girls at work said to me the other day, "Ok, Craig's had the house for over a year now... How much have you learned to cook?  You must've found some pretty good recipes by now, right?"  After explaining that a) I'm not living with Craig yet and b) I have no time to cook although I LOVE cooking and don't mind doing it, I'm just way too tired to, my coworker replied, "Well that's really sad."  Yeah.  It is.

Craig texted me last night saying how lonely he is and how he wants to be with me more often.  Going part time would give us that time together!!  I told him that and he just said, "Yeah, I know."  I mean, I haven't worked out the logistics of it yet, but financially we could get by.  I'd still have the same health benefits.  I'd feel guilty, though, that he's stuck working 10 hour days, 5 days a week, and yet I'd just be going in 3 or 4 days a week.  Doesn't seem fair to him.

But I like the money.  I love the money.  I love HAVING money.  I guess I could try it for a year (as suggested by the ever-awesome Darcy!) and see how we do.  I think we'd be ok.

My problem is that I'm gonna need a lot of money to pay for this wedding (which I have), but my car's starting to shit out a little, and what if I need a new car STAT?  I mean, I do have the money for it, but.... going part time I wouldn't have that much money as fast, ya know?  I suppose I could pick up extra shifts, too.

And here's some bullshit for you.  One of my best friends at work, another Kristen, has been doing part time 12 hour days.  She works 2 days at the hospital, and then 3 days at one of the oncologist's offices.  CUSHY!  Well, we were short staffed, since 3 people went out on maternity leave and they said Kristen could only work like 1 day at the office instead of 3.  Yesterday she tells me she talked to our manager who said they're gonna let her go back to part time so she can have more days at the office.... I'm sorry, what?  I fucking told my manager how miserable and burnt out I am, and how a 12 hour 11a-11p position would really open up some space in my life, and what does she tell me?  She says I should take a couple days off.  Meanwhile, she's letting Kristen go part time just for shits and gigs because she WANTS to.  WHAT??!

I don't think I'm being very clear lol.  What I'm saying is that I told my manager I'm struggling, that every day is a battle of wills to get into work because I just don't WANT to anymore.  At least not as often.  It's not that I want to leave the floor, I don't mind my coworkers, I don't mind the patient population too much, I just hate being there ALL the time.  And their solution is to have me take a couple days off to regroup.  Riiiiiiiiiiight.  Meanwhile, Kristen wants to spend MORE time at the office than at the hospital (for what reason, I don't know... probably less stressful), and they just give it to her!  I don't really think that's fair.

Anyway.... I have no faith in anyone, no belief in anything.... I'm feeling very lonesome at the moment.  I've lost all faith in our supervisors because they're all morons.  They really are.  And I'm sure that's true wherever you go.  As soon as you take someone out of the mud and clean them up and make them have power over others, they lose all sense of good and bad, right and wrong.  Fuckin stupidity.

I don't know what to do with my life anymore.  I just want to stay at home and be warm and cozy and not work.  Maybe our generation is too spoiled.  All we ever do on social networks is whine and complain and it's exhausting.  Such a negative outlet.  I just want to be fuckin happy and not tired all the fuckin time.