Well I finally started my Christmas shopping.  Nothing like procrastinating, right?  I got Craig the Lady Gaga photo book (sigh), an "Ice Road Truckers" hoodie, an "Ax Men" t-shirt, and the piece-de-resistance: A personalized Atlanta Falcons jersey!  Holy shit, I'm epically excited about that one!  The idea came to me when I woke up this morning lol.  I just hope it gets here in time.  I'm also gonna go to Spencer's and get a few little gag gifts and stocking stuffers for him.

I got my mom some shirts she likes and a new pan w/ lid that she picked out, also a 2012 calendar.  I got a Man U Giggs jersey for my dad (so cool!)... I wanted a personalized jersey for him, too, but I couldn't find a site online that made them .  And since time's running short, I had to settle for Giggs, who is one of my dad's favorite players.

I don't think Sean, Matt, and I are exchanging gifts this year, which is fine.  I still have to get Tarin a birthday gift, don't know what to get her.  And I don't know what to get Charleen, either.  Or my secret Santa at work, who happens to be Rachel, my favorite nurse lol.  I dunno what to get her, imagine that.  I want her to be one of my bridesmaids and I barely know her well enough to get a Christmas gift for her.  *sigh*

I also have to frame the embroidery I did for Grammy.

Every year, I tend to get myself a Christmas gift, hahaha.  Last year it was..... I don't remember.  One year, it was my Claddagh ring.  This year, I bought 3 more cross-stitch patterns!  YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!  I'm obessessed, what can I say?  Technically, one pattern is one I'm gonna do for Mom, but whatever.

I'm also obsessed w/ a slots app I downloaded the other day...  I blow through all my free chips in a matter of minutes, though.  Gah.  Now I know why gambling is an addiction.  Luckily it's not costing me anything.

What I really want for Christmas and my birthday, though?  1) More time off, which doesn't look like it's gonna happen anytime soon.  2) A shelf in the basement for the laundry detergent/dryer sheets, etc.  Because right now, everything's just sittin on top of the bar lol.  3) Some inspiration to get me out of this funk I'm in.

I really thing I have seasonal affective disorder (SAD).  I'm horribly depressed right now with no motivation to do ANYTHING.  I got out of bed for approximately an hour today to hang out with Dad upstairs and share a chai, but that was it.  I don't want to get out of my comfy bed anymore today.  I have no desire to do ANYTHING, Christmas shopping, cleaning, wedding planning.... Nothin.

I am digging myself so deep right now.  I STILL have not contacted any venues for the wedding.  Two have called me back (both times while I was at work), and I've yet to return their calls.  Partially because I don't know what the hell to say to them.  And partially because I have no desire to look at places.  I just want to pick a fuckin day and have everything done.  Seriously.

All I really want to do in my down time is sleep, read, and stitch.  That's it.  But everytime I sit down to do one of those things, I feel so guilty that I'm not being PRODUCTIVE and planning the wedding or shopping for gifts, and then I get anxious and I feel horrible and FUCK MY LIFE.  God forbid I sit down and take some time to myself for once.  And my mother's on my case about planning and meeting Craig's family and I have to set every fuckin thing up and I barely have time to breathe and the thing I want to do most right now is sit down and have a huge sob-fest for myself, but I can't because I have to go into work early for a meeting.  I'm just too stressed out, there's too much on my plate.  I took a personal day on Friday so I have a three day weekend, but I don't even know where to start.  I should go see Grammy, take her out shopping.  But maybe I can go see a venue that day, or maybe Saturday.  And I should go Christmas shopping, too.  And do laundry.  And spend time with my family or start packing more shit to bring to Craig's and I should wrap the gifts I have already and buy more paper cuz I know I don't have enough.

And it doesn't help that my period is super heavy this time.  That's making me even more cranky, I think.  Goddammit.

I got a parking ticket for parking overnight in the street at Craig's.  Which is new.  Because I've parked there since he moved in over a year ago and never got a ticket.  It was only $48 but still.  That pissed me off.  Cuz now where the hell am I gonna park?  There's no room for 3 cars in his driveway, and I don't want to have to move it when he gets home from work and again before he leaves for work.  I'm positive he'd move it for me in the morning, but still, I don't want to create a hassle for him.

Why can't anything ever just be easy?  Seriously.

I want people to feel sorry for me, but at the same time, it's my own fault that I'm so behind on everything.  I have no one to blame except myself and my ridiculous shitty work schedule.

I just finished the section of Eat, Pray, Love where she's meditating at the Ashram.  I want to find some peace of mind like that.  I need to believe in SOMETHING.  I don't believe in anything, I just exist.  I don't live for anything, I just float about from day to day.  I need some divine intervention or an antidepressant, I don't know.

Enough rambling, time to get ready for work.